There have been some new developments in my on-going problem. First of all I must say again what others have said; namely, that in life, no matter what happens time goes on. It’s not really that time changes anything, but rather that things settle in ways that are totally unexpected when they first become apparent or quite surprising for other equally unbelievable reasons. For example, whoever would have thought that for all my ranting and raging and desire to stop grieving and move on that really all I had to do was to be faithful and to have patience, which is what my answer to prayers about my dilemma seemed to be telling me was the key.
My love has not changed one bit. Well, that’s not exactly true… It has become far deeper than I ever expected because I thought it was as deep as it could possibly be before! Just goes to show how little we know about ourselves, our capabilities, and the future we have in store each day when we awake. My love has deepened, and intensified. I still want the same things I have always wanted from the person I love who was estranged. Yet while those things seemed to have gone to a place far, far beyond my grasp ever again while I was in my days of greatest apparent distress, they now tease about my head like a butterfly looking for a place to light. Maybe here. Maybe there. Maybe today! Maybe tomorrow.
I am happy just to have them flit about and I try not to grasp at them to pull them near. That would only frighten them away. You see, my estranged one’s love is as fragile as a newly born butterfly and – like that tale we used to hear in childhood to keep us from trying to capture those ephemeral creatures – if I touch its wings it might die. Thus, I have learned to speak to the butterfly and it listens if I don’t shout. I know it enjoys – perhaps craves! – my virtual presence each day, and the joy of that knowledge is sustaining after all. The future is still beyond my ken, but it seems clearer each day and my dreams loom ever larger than before in ways and with possibilities I feel deep in my heart, but cannot express with words spoken or written.I dare not touch the butterfly’s wings, you see. Not yet. Not until it lights and invites me to.
End of installment Ten…
Tags: butterfly, ephemeral, time
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on Monday, January 11th, 2010 at 12:27 pm and is filed under From the Heart.
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