Now: Installment 11 (May)
May is upon me… I don’t really know why May has always been my favorite month. I believe it really has little to do with the fact that my birthday (and my father’s) are in May. It actually has much more to do with the warmth and brightness and the firm hold that spring first, and then early summer have later in the month. I function far better in a bit of sunshine. May transitions the world around us to longer and sunnier days.
Many important events in my past are linked to Mays. Graduations, acceptances, impregnations, and travels of importance have often been in May. Of course, there have been May’s with negative events in them as well, and last May was one of those. I have survived the year. I have… come out alive, with my heart in shreds, but alive nonetheless.
I have no idea where I am going or why right now and for the first time in my life it seems disturbing to think that is true. I feel desperately that I need a direction and a plan and yet I cannot make one…
A certain someone reminded me the other day that I once told him I had just drifted in and let things play out in my life rather than truly taking charge and making them happen. But, I wonder whether that was true or not. Have I been fooling myself about how I make things happen? Have I had plans that I just didn’t acknowledge? Maybe so. I surely do feel lost without a plan now, and since I’ve never “made” one before… I have no clue where to begin.